We Are ALWAYS Communicating strategy communication

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We Are ALWAYS Communicating strategy communication

We Are ALWAYS Communicating strategy communication

Hey, welcome back.

You’re doing absolutely fantastic. So, in this section, we’re going to teach you something that you may not

have been aware of.

It’s that, you’re always communicating.

We’re always communicating.

We can’t stop communicating.

We do it in a multitude of ways but we’re always communicating, even when you’re sitting there saying

nothing.

This would always drive therapy clients, nuts.

A lot of therapy clients thought they could just sit there and say nothing throughout an entire interview,

and they would be resistant.

They just sit there with their arms folded and they thought that they were telling you, nothing.

Oh, no,

you were telling me a ton.

You were telling me that you were resistant, that you didn’t want to be in treatment, that you were angry,

that you were upset, that this actually worked maybe on your parents, or your coworkers, or somebody who’s

not me.

This didn’t work on me.

I knew that it was a gambit, a gambit is basically a power ploy that you’re trying to use, that you figure

that I can’t defeat.

I go in and I be doing an assessment on a client, and they would just sit there and they would

say nothing, but they were communicating.

I could communicate back and make sure I got them to communicate.

I’d say hey, it’s going to be very difficult to do your intake if you don’t communicate.

Can you help me out,

and they were very sincere in their answer.

They said nothing.

They were just, absolutely flat.

So, I would communicate to them.

I’d say, I’ll tell you what.

Given the fact that I can’t do the intake.

I’ve got a long line of people outside waiting for you.

I got your probation officer, who’s going to do the paperwork, and I’ve got the police officer that he’s

got a set of silver bracelets, and he’s going to take you in the green, and white taxi called the police

car, and he’s going to take you off to jail, and they’ve got your old orange jumpsuit.

They still have one left in your size.

I can see from your chart here, your name is John Michaels.

OK.

But good news.

They still have your old number.

So, instead of being John, you can go back to being 9 7 2 8 4 9.

You won’t even have to remember a new number.

So, today’s going to be a great day for you.

So, I need to know if you want to come into treatment, and I need to know in the next 10 seconds or, you

and I are going to part ways, and I’m going to let the next person in.

The probation officer is not a patient man.

Well, I didn’t say, I wasn’t going to talk, you know.

Can’t you give a guy a minute to think, all of a sudden you get this major turnaround, but realize people

are always communicating.

When somebody does something, when they don’t do something, when they choose to do something, when they

choose not to do something, when they’re being helpful, when they’re being hurtful, it doesn’t matter what

is going on, they’re always communicating, where they pay attention to you,

1 they don’t pay attention to you,

2 they get excited about what you’re saying,

3 they don’t get excited about what you’re saying.

People can not stop communicating.

I’ll bet there’s a situation where you think there was no communication,

but you also think there was a lot of communication.

You’ve got a date with a girl and you say hey, let’s meet together at this restaurant at 8:00 and she

doesn’t show up.

Is that a communication?

Yeah, you’re thinking it is.

You know, it means something.

Does she hate you?

Did she forget?

Should I call the hospitals?

I’m going to call the local hospitals and she better be in one.

What does it mean?

It means something.

Everything is communication.

Let’s take a look a little deeper.

Now, here’s some different ways to communicate.

I don’t want to belabor them.

First one is facial expression, that’s absolutely huge,

but don’t be deceived by facial expressions, facial expressions are very consistent.

They’re very accurate

but I want you to know, nobody ever practiced their facial expressions in the mirror.

The only person that’s good at deceiving people with facial expressions, is liars because they actually

will practice it in front of a mirror,

but, honest sincere people, can also sometimes have facial expressions that don’t always match up with

how they’re feeling.

I remember when I would sit in the bus at high school and i’m finally done, I can relax for a few minutes.

My work day which has been at school is over.

I’m taking the bus but then I’m going to my job, I have after school, and I’m just going to relax, and

I’m like in perfect serenity and I’m just like watching the green grass whiz by, and the trees, and the

clouds in the sky, and I’m just kind of drifting out, and looking out the window, and people are like, Paul

why are you so depressed, depressed is the best part of my day.

So, looking relaxed can also look depressed to another person, doesn’t mean that’s what you’re necessarily

feeling but it’s what they’re seeing in what they’re interpreting, remember, what we said,

those aren’t the same things.

So, next one is hand signals.

I think, that’s a great way to communicate.

Aggression is another way to communicate.

That guy just talked about, sitting there, you know in the interview room just folding his arms.

He want to use aggression.

I said, well, that’s his style of communication all matched to,

right?

I’ll use the exact same style and I’ll do it.

Why,

because he only does this once, I’ve done this a million times.

I’m going to have better techniques than him.

I’ve seen a lot of customers, so aggression is a form of communication.

Now these are forms of communication which are actually levels, if you do a letter or email.

I want you to hearken back to the last lesson, 7 percent of communication is what, verbal is the spoken

word or what, written word.

It’s the text, literally.

So, if you send a letter, an e-mail, a text,

they only hear the words, they only read the words, I’m sorry, they don’t even hear them,

they only see the words. That’s 7 percent of the communication.

That’s terrible.

That leaves 93 percent to fall on the ground into what, you got it, be misinterpreted.

Telephone.

Well, now you got the words that’s seven.

You’ve got the tonality.

That’s good.

That’s 38.

Now you’re up to what,

I’m carrying the the one, that’s 45 percent, OK.

Fifty five percent of the communication.

OK.

Unless you use like FaceTime or something like that, is gone, why you lost the body language.

The only time it’s 100 percent, and you can still have miscommunication

but at least you got 100 percent of you guys on the field you know, in this battle.

It’s 100 percent, is in person.

Words, tone, body language.

You got it all going on.

I remember, my very first girlfriend.

She went off to college and we started writing the letters and we talk on the phone once in a while,

and of course when she was here I go visit or on the weekends we talk in person, and that’s when I learned,

how messed up, letters and telephones can be.

I would send her a letter, loving caring letter blah blah blah blah blah, love you think the world of

you did, and she would come back all upset or I wouldn’t hear from her for a while, because

she was mad about something I had said cause she took it totally the wrong way.

It was a little better on the phone.

You know if I sent her a letter there’s like a 90 percent chance I was going to get some kind of negative

response because I’d write like a two page letter.

So, somewhere in there she’s going to find something to take offense to that, I said wrong, quote unquote,

by her definition, in my mind it sounded fine,

but guilty until proven innocent.

Same thing on the phone.

I would be having this nice conversation on the phone but about half the time I go wrong,

and I’m like, why?

Oh my God, could I be any more nice, could i be any more sincere.

It would go wrong.

In person, once in a while, it go wrong

but I could immediately clean it up and like I said I had all my soldiers in the field, i had 100 percent

of the communication there, I would probably win,

OK, that was OK, but man, I almost completely stopped doing the letters and I was very careful to evaluate

them.

Could this possibly be taken any other way before i ever send them out.

I was extra careful on the phone and I kept the conversation short and then, did the bulk of my communication

when I was there with her in person

and that made it go much much better.

So, remember this in relationships and remember this in communication with businesses, businesses loved

to shoot letters, emails, texts back and forth

and they think the other person understands, that is not in evidence, much better over the phone.

You won’t have the same challenges that I had because there’s not as much emotional stuff going on, but

everybody is an emotional animal.

Everybody is actually more emotional than they are intellectual and even though you say, oh, it’s just

business.

They will have challenges over the phone and could take offense to anything.

Remember, there’s nothing people can’t take offense to.

Phone call was too long and you bored me.

I’m offended.

It was too short.

What I’m not worth your time.

I’m offended.

It was just right.

But why did you call me three times this week.

You only call me once this week.

I’m offended, too much, too little.

There’s a million ways to go wrong, only one way to be perfect.

So, lots of ways to communicate.

I want to share with you some of the challenges, now a lot of times, these communications can go absolutely

perfect.

You my girlfriend, wonderful, no challenges but we’re going to teach you complete mastery

to make it as good as humanly possible.

Remember, you can only control your half, right?

But we’re going to teach at a master that half.

So some other ways to communicate, a gift, you give a gift, give a gift, that says a lot around

the holidays right?

A gift is very sincere.

You only do that for people you want, like, yeah, creates reciprocity.

These are all forms of communication.

Touches a huge one.

Kagan’s couple, I think, they may have met once or twice, but even simple touch has levels of communication.

I used to shows to people.

You would wave to somebody, that’s one level of communication, you would shake their hand,

you would do the warm hand-clasp where you touch their hand, you touch their elbow, you touch their shoulder

while you’re doing it.

You say, “To hell with a handshake”,

bring it in,

I want to give you a hug

but there’s different kinds of hug,

there’s the large circular hug where there’s a foot in between you where you say, I

want to maintain my frame, you maintain your frame.

We will now do the tango

and you’re so far away from the other person,

then there’s guy one where the quick pat on the bat and get out of Dodge,

there’s the one where you get the full body hug like you give your mom, bring it in, so, touch has a lot

of different levels.

Snobby.

Remember, we said, when you’re not communicating, you’re communicating.

My wife, she’s Filipino.

They’re very poor back in the day, was like Gilligan’s Island, I mean, they literally lived in the bamboo

hut, they literally cleaned their clothes out on a rock with a bar of soap out in the brook.

So what did they have for fun?

They could listen to the radio.

They didn’t have a TV.

Again, it was like Gilligan’s Island.

They could go swimming.

You could go for a walk, you could talk or you could eat.

So, the biggest things were talking and eating

and that’s what they did.

And they’d love to do it together.

So, my wife thought the ultimate thing you could do to somebody to really hurt them,

well, she’d want to starve me to death so she decides she wouldn’t talk to me, she’d snub me.

We literally called it snobby.

Bernadette are you snubbing me?

No response.

It’s snobbing right,

but I’m a therapist.

I talk to people all day long, I talk to other therapists, I talk to clients, I talk to insurance providers,

blah blah blah blah blah.

I’m not a big talker, all evidence to the contrary because I’m teaching right now but I love to have

my downtime.

So after a long day of like 10 12 hours of blah blah blah blah blah, me or somebody else, I loved a perfectly

good opportunity to A, shut the hell up and B have some silence.

It took her about three days of doing this into our marriage before she realized I was actually digging

it.

This was not a consequence for me, it was a reward but snubbing is definitely a communication.

Posing, this is interesting, you can take a lot of ways.

Some people are always trying to stand a certain way, look a certain way, be in the right light, it can be

that kind of posing but a oppose is the way that you just hold your body, you naturally do it.

Everybody is posing without realizing they’re posing because it’s not a fake pose it’s a real pose.

1-I stand like this, I look like this,

“I hold my body like this it can be anywhere from.

I always look like, I was walking around with a stick up my butt, people said, Why?

well, I got a lot of curvature in my spine so it probably does look like, I’m walking like that slightly,

bowlegged.

I’ve got an extra one foot, a little bit shorter than the other,

nobody’s perfect.

Bruce Lee had the same problem.

So, great

even the way I walk, the way I stood you, you stand a little bit different.

It has a lot to do with personality as well, but it’s also communicating.

Gestures are huge.

This is the biggest part of the what, the body language right?

Signs, this could be anywhere from a sign on a wall.

I used to have a sign on my wall said, “oh bullshit”.

Ok, I was just like the one that you seeing.

Science can also be things you have around the room, the room, what you choose to have in the room, what

you don’t have in the room.

You can tell about 80 percent everything you’ll ever need to know about a person just by walking in

around their house and looking in the various rooms.

Why?,

because it perfectly matches who they are in everything says something about them, good, better and different.

So, signs are another way to communicate.

What are some other ways.

There’s literally a million different ways to communicate.

I want you to take some time.

I want you to reflect.

Ladies, hold in the glasses.

What does that mean, is that a communication.

Yes.

She looks smarter with the glasses.

Does she do that on purpose.

Because she can’t see.

Does she use the glasses as a prop to look smarter as she’s talking.

Hey, if you don’t seem on me then I look smarter when I’m talking with him

but I can also look prettier at the same time.

Is that a good technique?

She may be doing it consciously, she might be doing that unconsciously, see, there’s a million different

ways to communicate.

She’s communicating.

Because she has her glasses, where she’s fumbling around

if she doesn’t ever glasses.

That means she’s absent minded at least in the air of what, her glasses. People are always communicating,

what she chose to wear, girlfriend shows up on a date.

Clothing is a form of communication.

Did she wear her sexy.

We’re going to get to at least second base on this date outfit or does she wear something conservative,

slow your whole body.

I need to know you first.

You could be a serial killer, stalker.

OK.

So, everything is saying something.

I want to go out for at least the next day and see how many different ways people are communicating.

I want you to think about it when you’re watching a TV show, when you’re doing something, when you’re

watching people interact, when you’re in an interaction.

Notice that people never,ever ,ever stop communicating.

It’s your ability to pick out the sheer number of ways that they communicate to have this awareness

and to begin to see it,

and the only way you can do that is to practice.

That’s your homework for today and I’ll see you in the next section.

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